Woke up this morning to grey skies painted on a white background, and so cold I couldn’t squeeze my hand-cream out of the tube. On top of that, this is my first post of the new year, and it’s not even just any new year, it’s the start of a new decade, so I’m feeling pressured to write something insightful or witty or moving, or all three, while my eyelids feel like they’ve been plastered to my eyes with super glue. This is not a good start to the morning.

Okay, let’s get the new year stuff out the way. Have a good one. My new year’s resolution – not to make a new year’s resolution because I wouldn’t keep it anyway. This is just another little device designed to keep us feeling dissatisfied with out general state of being so that we keep consuming like the mad little buying bunnies we have become. I live in a state of luxury, the only thing I need is a bit of perspective, not new year’s resolutions, to make things better! I do, however, promise to stop snarling at lonely bankers in the street. They need all the help we can give them!

And what will the next decade bring? Well, whaddya think buddy? Ya think it’s gonna get better? (I used to love Spiderman comics – all the villains used to talk like that…) Let’s see what could happen if the world were a good place:

  • Israel and Palestine could come to a long-standing cease-fire and begin rebuilding their war-torn relationship.
  • The world’s religions could engage in serious dialogue with one another eschewing repression and violence on religious grounds.
  • Russia and America could ratify the nuclear arms treaty and do away with those extremely useful weapons of mass destruction.
  • The world’s nations could come to a binding agreement about climate change which distributes the cost fairly between rich and poor countries.
  • There could be massive investment in alternative energy sources, relieving us of our reliance on fossil based fuels.
  • Rich nations could write off third world debt – without screw you conditions.
  • Rich nations could engage in fair trading with poorer nations and allow them to build up their local own economies, reducing poverty all-round.
  • Oh, and so much more…

Isn’t that nice? Isn’t it touching? Isn’t it bordering on doo la la insanity? Let’s wake up now – what will the next decade really bring?

  • There will be war and strife in Yemen, Afghanistan, Palestine, Israel, Africa, Iraq, and anywhere else where you can make a quick buck with weapons sales, stealing natural resources and repression of hapless peoples behind very high walls.
  • The world’s religions will continue bickering and sniping at each other like little children arguing over whose got the best God.
  • Russia and America will slowly rebuild their stockpiles of tactical weapons until someone has a little accident.
  • The world’s nations will not reach an agreement on climate change until Britain is sinking and Venice is no more, Beijing is uninhabitable and New York, well, let’s not talk about New York. The agreement will be enforced by Nato strike troops dressed in wellies.
  • Bankers will giggle at the amounts of money being invested in alternative energy, and be the only ones able to afford a gallon of petrol after they get their bonuses. Heating bill related suicide will be a new phenomenon in richer countries. Electrical home appliances will come with a built-in bicycle, and communal cycling for evening lighting will be a duty for all.
  • The divide between the rich and the poor on all levels will grow to extortionate levels, with the introduction of the 25 hour 8 day working week for your average unemployed labourer and rich countries only lending to poorer ones on the condition that they sign over their sovereignty, wealth and inner organs for a piddling 73% p.a. The auction of cute little third world children to worthy bankers will be the newest television hit.
  • And lots more where those came from…

Okay, okay, so maybe I had a bad hit of the winter blues this morning, well, greys.

not many at the moment, I no doubt sinned last night and am now paying for those sins…
Talking of sins, I read an article this morning about the Pope’s pronouncement some time age that condoms were not the solution to AIDS, but part of the problem, and it is only through a spiritual, human awakening that we can combat this disease. Okay, neglecting the obvious question as to who exactly needs to wake up here, and that such irresponsible claptrap should really not be allowed, I allowed myself the privilege of a little theology, albeit of an extremely speculative nature…

Now what gets the Pope’s goat is all this promiscuity outside of marriage, because it’s a bit sinful. So he says that should stop and that condoms only promote promiscuity, right? On top of that, condoms are a threat to life in as much as they are contraceptives, right?

But all these people rucking around in the throws of fornication don’t first put on a condom and then say let’s fuck around. In fact, most of them say a condom just gets in the way. A real passion killer, so to speak, which I thought the Pope would be into. No, they just want to get down to it, and enter a life of sin. Now, once you’re there – in a state of sin – it doesn’t mean that there’s not worse sins out there. Killing someone is worse than sinful sex (even if only slightly). Now infecting someone with HIV is pretty much a death sentence for that person, if you ask me. So isn’t it the Pope’s moral duty to save his flock from more mortal sin?

Looking at it from the Pope’s point of view you have to agree that the pro-condom position wins hands down –

1. it’s a passion killer, forcing people to think before they, well you know…

2. it saves the wearer from the mortal sin of killing someone else – which, in anyone’s book, must count as a good thing

3. its got the added bonus of saving all those little souls from being born outside of wedlock

4. and we haven’t even started going on about reducing the suffering of millions etc. etc.

So, who’s going to tell the Pope?

Hey, they’re nationalising the Edinburgh – London rail route. Again. Don’t you just love it? You know, how efficient private enterprise is at running a business and keeping it going? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that private companies are far more adept at making a profit than public companies. They’ve proved it time and time again with the railways. First of all you buy them cheap, make sure that the franchise is in your favour, scoop off millions of taxpayers hard earned dosh, and as soon as you have to re-invest, give the whole thing up as a bad loss, and let the taxpayer pay for picking up the little broken pieces they’ve left behind. That’s how you make a profit as a private company, but perhaps it’s not the best model for running a public service…

But what do I care, I don’t even live in Britain anymore. Although, I heard that it occasionally gets warm there now.

But we are back on my favourite topic – the religion of capitalism. You don’t believe it’s a religion? I sat for an hour – really, an hour, I have nothing better to do – with a banky type person – you know,  medallion round neck, fat rings on fat fingers, cigar chomping, sweaty type – who was trying to sell me a share investment portfolio. I think it has something to do with that thing that crashed a few months back. Now what he told me, and I quote, is that we’ve all got to believe, really, all of us just have to believe, in the cyclical nature of the stock exchange, and then we can be certain, 100 percent certain, that it will, one day, go back up again. Just believe and you will make money, believe me, is what he said. I take it that if it doesn’t quite work out as planned it’s because I didn’t believe enough, brother.

But the brotherhood of bankers have really got this one off pat haven’t they? I mean, we’ve just witnessed one of the biggest shifts of capital  from the public to  the private realm ever. And they just bloody well took it. It’s as if they paid off everybody – the law, the politicians, the state, everybody. You can see them smiling as they got out the begging bowl and said,

“hey guys, bit of a slip up here, we’re gonna need some cash.”

“How much?”

“Ooh, let’s say 700 billion. For starters”

“Oh, okay, sure guys, no problem. Umm, what are we gonna get back?”

“Get back? get outta here. What you want it back for, you don’t know what to do with it anyways? I tell you what you get back, you do us a favour – maybe we’ll do the same for you one day. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Good boy, here, take a cigar – it’s Cuban.”

The biggest economic crash in Western history since the Tulip market went bust, and nothing is going to be changed. And you know why? Because we believe, brother, we believe.