I am still not convinced that jogging is a good thing. After two weeks of pounding the pathways I think that it is plainly evident that the human body is not designed for running. Look at it from an evolutionary point of view. We are slow, ungainly, our flimsy joints cannot take the incessant strain. Animals designed for running (well, not designed, but apt) have four legs, not two.

And yet, against all the obvious empirical evidence, doctors insist that jogging is good for you as the human body was designed for such painful movement. Humbug. If the human body is apt for anything then it’s hanging around on street (tree/cave/riverbank) corners up to no good, or walking to the next watering hole (pub/disco/club) in search of a good old yap and an ensuing fist fight. It’s the same with swimming. Throw all other animals into a pond and they instinctively do the right thing – they swim to the side and get out. Do that with any untrained self-respecting human being and they will look at you with baleful eyes, shout abuse at you and sink.

But that’s what they can do, is shout abuse – very effectively, in a multitude of different forms, they can talk you into doing a multitude of things you never dreamed of doing. Like working for a living… And the other thing human beings were obviously designed to do is squatting around fires, waterholes etc. inventing things which they could then turn into weapons of mass destruction. Maybe an elephant never forgets, but a human being doesn’t just remember you, s/he always gets you back, either by talking you into submission, or lancing you with a poisonous arrow (or nuclear warhead – or whatever). But that’s where all this evolutionary engineering has gone, and not into jogging…

Which, of course, brings us back to jogging. Millions upon millions of middle class morons in the western world have obviously been duped into partaking in one of the most subtle weapons of mass destruction we have witnessed in the last decades. Whereas other less vicious cultures advocate yoga or tai chi for a long life, western corporations and their doctors have invented jogging to cut down on the costs of the over-expensive middle classes. And I like the lemming I am, have now joined them. My end is nigh.

Cleaning

Yesterday was cleaning day, and, like the good houseman I am, that’s just what I did, the whole flat, from top to bottom, dusted, polished, scrubbed and shined, behind the pots and underneath the beds. Did I ever tell you I have a dust allergy….?

Anyway, I promised you all a poem about cleaning some weeks back, so I put my pen to paper, and tried putting myself in the position of a mother of two who has to do this everyday. See what you think here.

Depressing news – America sees the light and takes a big swing to the left, so what does Europe do? Swings to the right of course. Is this some kind of reactionary relationship between the electorates or are they actually planning to meet in the middle? Not that the middle ground is particularly appealing, but moderation does seem to be the message of the day.

Everyone over here keeps asking who’s going to pay for the deficit caused by banking crash, but no-one’s seriously thought about asking the banks for our money back, now they’re making a profit…

Sundays are always good for lying around and that’s just what I’ve been doing today – lying around doing nothing except typing in a few sentences here and there to finish off my latest story.

Sometimes you really have to take your hat off to capitalism and its ability to turn everything and anything into an exchange rate. I just read in the Guardian that in Japan the lend a friend business is booming. Great idea though – stuck for a best man due to a lack of suitable friends? Then just rent one out, complete with speech. Other ideas? Rent a best mate to sleep with your ex-best mate’s girlfriend, but then you’d probably have to rent a girl to – no, that’s called something else, isn’t it? Missing Gramps, not to worry, just rent a stand-in – great innit? But, I would really like to see the business plan and just how the bank would take it…

Just had a dose of saturday shopping yesterday, and I was so moved by the experience that I had to put it to paper. The fat girls do not refer to my girlfriend. She is not fat!

Saturday Shopping

Shop lights glaring,
Music blaring,
Colours not blending.

Fat girls posing,
Bored men watching,
Salesgirls lying.

Little boys whining,
Weary mums shouting,
Hungry girls crying.

Mirrors are tilted,
Bodies are twisted,
Does it look alright?

Chips in a cone,
Coke in a can,
Eating on the lam.

Rows and queues,
Eyes a glazing,
Choices waning.

Dusk is dawning,
Hope is fading,
The telly calling.

Rain starts falling,
Tired feet aching,
C’mon darling, just one more.

Delighted shrieks,
A dancing twirling,
The thing’s been bought.

© andrew rossiter 2009

Hey, they’re nationalising the Edinburgh – London rail route. Again. Don’t you just love it? You know, how efficient private enterprise is at running a business and keeping it going? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that private companies are far more adept at making a profit than public companies. They’ve proved it time and time again with the railways. First of all you buy them cheap, make sure that the franchise is in your favour, scoop off millions of taxpayers hard earned dosh, and as soon as you have to re-invest, give the whole thing up as a bad loss, and let the taxpayer pay for picking up the little broken pieces they’ve left behind. That’s how you make a profit as a private company, but perhaps it’s not the best model for running a public service…

But what do I care, I don’t even live in Britain anymore. Although, I heard that it occasionally gets warm there now.

But we are back on my favourite topic – the religion of capitalism. You don’t believe it’s a religion? I sat for an hour – really, an hour, I have nothing better to do – with a banky type person – you know,  medallion round neck, fat rings on fat fingers, cigar chomping, sweaty type – who was trying to sell me a share investment portfolio. I think it has something to do with that thing that crashed a few months back. Now what he told me, and I quote, is that we’ve all got to believe, really, all of us just have to believe, in the cyclical nature of the stock exchange, and then we can be certain, 100 percent certain, that it will, one day, go back up again. Just believe and you will make money, believe me, is what he said. I take it that if it doesn’t quite work out as planned it’s because I didn’t believe enough, brother.

But the brotherhood of bankers have really got this one off pat haven’t they? I mean, we’ve just witnessed one of the biggest shifts of capital  from the public to  the private realm ever. And they just bloody well took it. It’s as if they paid off everybody – the law, the politicians, the state, everybody. You can see them smiling as they got out the begging bowl and said,

“hey guys, bit of a slip up here, we’re gonna need some cash.”

“How much?”

“Ooh, let’s say 700 billion. For starters”

“Oh, okay, sure guys, no problem. Umm, what are we gonna get back?”

“Get back? get outta here. What you want it back for, you don’t know what to do with it anyways? I tell you what you get back, you do us a favour – maybe we’ll do the same for you one day. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Good boy, here, take a cigar – it’s Cuban.”

The biggest economic crash in Western history since the Tulip market went bust, and nothing is going to be changed. And you know why? Because we believe, brother, we believe.

Damn. I was going to rant and rail about the inequities of Capitalism. Unfortunately, I enjoyed them much too much last night, so I can’t. I am going back to bed…